Six months ago I wrote, “Don’t hold me to this, but I’m thinking about signing up with one of those online dating sites.” Fast forward and I’ve been online for only two weeks, and I’m ready to log off. One of Oprah‘s favorite sayings is, “A person will tell you who they are if you just listen.” When it comes to online dating, who they are starts with their name.
Like… Butthole, Player, SorryDude, Pacemaker, HorseRaceBetter, BedBug, WildTrash, YourLoveSlave and MyScorpiosRising… Seriously?
The other way you can tell the online world who you are is with a photograph. I’m amazed at how many guys post nearly naked selfies, in bed, that make me wonder what they’re doing with their other hand? ANTHONY WEINER CLONES NEED NOT APPLY!
One guy is nude—to below his navel—and has a large gauze bandage with surgical tape where a pacemaker might recently have been implanted. What made him think women would be interested in seeing that? Perhaps he had an Ambien moment. No, he wasn’t Pacemaker, although I guess I should give Pacemaker credit for being so upfront about it.
There are guys whose only pictures of themselves are as babies; 20-somethings, standing next to a motorcycle; a beer in their hand in every photo, or their most recent picture was 2004. Some guys only post things like flowers, mountains and cars. Guys… You may be a great gardener, love the outdoors and drive a Maserati, but I still want to see a current photo.
Would you believe the nicest looking men over 60 have NEVER been married? I don’t know about you, but that’s a red flag as big as Texas!
An alarming number of men have no hobbies or interests of ANY KIND, and list staying home and watching TV as their favorite thing to do. One said, “I don’t talk much, but I listen.” A fourth of the guys are clearly over 80, although they claim to be 64, and one has no teeth! He’d be a good guy to cast if Hollywood ever does a remake of Deliverance. And a lot of men will “tell you later” whether they have children, or they smoke or drink. Don’t think so, Romeo. Be upfront with me, or I’ll click right on past you.
Please don’t misunderstand. I care about more than a man’s looks, but I can’t ignore when their photos “tell me who they are.” Am I being too judgmental or premature when I say I can tell a lot by how someone looks? Another fourth of the guys look hard and angry, and the corners of their mouths turn downward. My 30-year-old male friend—who urged me to get online in the first place—said three of these guys “look like abusers.”
Then there’s “Sam,” who sent me this private message: “I am pretty direct. I am looking for a wife not all the other alternatives. I find it better to follow the Bible so no premarital penetration. You look classy so I will put new pictures on tomorrow.” At least he’s giving me current photos.
40 thoughts on “I’VE SIGNED UP FOR ONLINE DATING”
Hi Brenda,
Glad you jumped in the pool! Have you seen the movie the Book Club? It will give you hope.
As for online dating. It’s like weeding a garden..get rid of the bad ones fast! If you find one or two they can be practice…and who knows maybe the right one.
It’s entertaining if nothing else.
Have you talked to Bela Gandhi? She’s a fantastic dating coach.
Best,
Carol
Hi Carol, I saw the Book Club yesterday. Cute movie! I loved that everyone in the theater–except one man–were women over 50. Entertaining is right… My, my, my! Thanks for reminding me about Bela. She made a comment on one of my earlier blogs. Brenda
You get high points from me for courage! I retired 8 weeks ago after a career in the field of justice. Just about every one of my newly-released clients quickly signed up on an online dating site. I have heard that there are good ones but I would be very leery too!
Hi Pondside, I’m not surprised to hear newly released men… from jail I’m assuming… head straight for a dating site. A good third of my current online choices look like they could fit that profile. Thanks for the cautionary reminder, Brenda
OMG! funny but sad at the same time. I couldn’t get over their names and nude pictures! Good luck 🙂
Hi Lise, I’m not sure luck will be involved. I think it will take a miracle! Thanks, Brenda
Yikes! That sounds off putting indeed but I am writing to let you know I met my lovely husband online twelve years ago when he was a recent widower with no posted profile. I was in my late 50’s at the time. He is a former venture capitalist, intelligent, worldly and kind. We actually had some acquaintances in common. We have a very happy second chapter together. So don’t give up! I saw it as a way to carry my prayers and intentions into the world. My friends seem to be having luck with “ Our Time”.
Thanks for the encouragement, Penelope. Your lovely husband sounds like the caliber of my two late husbands. You took a chance with a man who hadn’t posted a profile? Hmm… That may not be any different from what I suspect are profiles where these guys don’t tell you the truth… In other words, essentially they don’t have a profile either. Does your husband have a single friend who’s a good guy and lives in San Antonio? Thanks so much! Brenda
I’ve been alone as long as you and tried speed dating here in my town. Face to face with men 5 minutes at a time. But pretty much the same…they whined about previously wives, said their nights were lonely, hadn’t bothered to clean up (not well groomed!) or just about cried cause they were a recent widow and needed someone to cook for them! I was both sad and glad for the experience but decided I am not putting myself in this place…in person or online. I’d rather flirt with men in church or grocery store and hope they’re not married! LOL
Thanks for this, Brenda…for your honesty and humor! Great piece.
Thank you, Joan, because like you, I won’t take care of a man because he gives me a sob story. Today I ran into a man I’ve known and respected for a long time. After six months he married a woman he met online dating… While they may love one another, like so many men… particularly of a certain age… there was a big part of him that NEEDED a wife, someone for sex and experiences and to be a witness to his life. That would be nice, but unlike the men I meet, I’m not willing to quickly latch onto someone and tell myself they meet my requirements. Brenda
Brenda… you have to come to Ottawa and meet the women in my book club. Three of whom are my age or older and single. They have some tales to tell, believe me. We went to see the movie book club and watched Candice Bergen meet doctors and other lawyers on-line. That didn’t look too realistic. But I have two friends who have met their husbands on-line. And one who is just friends with several men she met on-line. They go biking and then for a beer. She says it’s just nice to have male company. I thought these dating services were supposed to filter out unlikely people. But then again I have no idea how it works. Good luck. Be careful… I know you will. And keep us up to date. No pun intended.
Oh, Sue!! A dating service that filters out the “unlikely people…. ” Come up with a solution for that one, and you’ll be rich!! It’s hard enough to evaluate someone you meet one time face to face, but someone who “creates” a profile online…. LOL! There are a lot of liars, creeps and men who don’t have a woman’s best interest at heart out there, and what better place for them to be than an online dating service? I would LOVE to come to Ottawa sometime. I’m already a fan and an admirer of yours. Thank you… xoxox, Brenda
What a challenge dating today must be! Yikes!! Great post
Hi Cindy!! I appreciate you stopping by. Yes, challenging is an understatement. You don’t want to be “looking” at this age. Thank you, Brenda
OMG this is hilarous and tragic simultaneously. Surely there must be single, intelligent men out there, but how to find them I have no clue. Good luck.
Exactly, Pat… How to find them? I haven’t a clue, either. At least I have two little, four-legged beings who love me unconditionally… Annie and Lulu… and of course, God. Thanks so much, Brenda
Brenda…you are a hoot…I am.laughing but also realise that it must be terrifying too. They all sound like men to avoid…. maybe the next tranche will be better!
Hilda, Sometimes if we don’t laugh, we cry, right? While I may paint a funny picture… and on one hand, it is, it’s also sad and alarming. Thank goodness I don’t need a man to make me complete. Yes, it would be nice to have a life partner who loves, respects and laughs with me, but it’s not necessary for me to be complete. We’ll see if I last long enough for “the next tranche.” xoxox, Brenda
Shocking. Can we blame this on millennials? Who invent these apps and turn them loose on a demographic that does not understand how they work? I guess you could continue to plow through. Or you could get a job at a local hardware store. At least then you’ll be seeing these gentlemen CLOTHED.
Oh, those of us who aren’t millennials understand how these sites work!! That’s the problem! Men understand, all too well, that some women can’t and don’t want to be alone. They understand, all too well, how to spin a fictional man that peaks a woman’s interests and speaks to her lonely heart. Thank you, God… I’m not Miss Lonely Hearts, but my heart breaks for those women who are. Thank you, Mithra!! xoxox, Brenda
I have heard many stories, some horrible and a few very successful. I have a friend that would be fun for you to meet, now I need to see how you would
find each other on a site you both use….
Gayle… Does this man live within 50 miles of San Antonio, Texas? If not… Long distance relationships don’t work, but I appreciate you thinking and caring about me. If he does… Let’s talk! Thank you, Brenda
Brenda,
What a timely article!
I just saw the Book Club and was going to write a post about the movie among other things in the blog.
May I link this post to my blog post?
I think women would love to read your post as much as I enjoyed it!
I am posting on Monday, so let me know if I have your blessings!
Hugs,
Robin
https://helloim50ish.com
Hi Robin! I enjoyed your blog and appreciate the link back to mine! The Book Club was very entertaining… kind of like one of my girlfriends suggested I think about online dating… As entertainment! Thank you, sweet lady, Brenda
Hi Brenda!
I howled with laughter when I read your post. And then I stopped laughing. My God, your experience was so similar to mine. I was on dating sites for four-and-a-half years. I’ve read some pretty interesting (and not in a good way) profiles. I love the pictures of a guy in a wife-beater t-shirt with greasy, disheveled hair and three days’ growth of beard taking a selfie in a filthy bathroom and then saying in his profile that he’s “looking for his soulmate”. If that’s how he dresses to meet his soulmate, I can’t imagine what he wears to wash his car.
Of the men who contacted me during the time I was online, 75% were online dating scammers, 10% were guys looking for an FWB arrangement, 5% were just looking for someone to talk to, 5% were just looking for someone to talk dirty to and 5% were serious. Of the 5% who were serious, 6 men in four-and-a-half years asked to meet me for a coffee date. Of the 6 men who asked to meet me for a coffee date, 4 stood me up. So I had 2 coffee dates in four-and-a-half years and no repeat dates.
When I finally decided that I wasn’t going to meet anyone online, I rewrote my profile and let my subscription expire: Here’s what I wrote in my final profile:
I used to have a lovely, cheerful, upbeat profile story that very few men paid any attention to. So I decided to rewrite my profile story so its sounds like an average profile here on Match.com. It’s important that you understand the following profile story DOES NOT IN ANY WAY REPRESENT WHO I AM OR WHO I’M LOOKING FOR. It is merely a TONGUE-IN-CHEEK SPOOF of many of the profile stories I’ve read on dating sites. If you want to know what my hobbies, interests or preferences are, please send me a message.
“I’m a beautiful, intelligent, funny, romantic, educated, fit, accomplished, financially secure woman. And humble. Like everyone else on Match, I love to laugh (I assume there must be a few people in the world who don’t because just about everyone mentions loving to laugh). Like everyone else on Match, I look much younger than I am. I take care of myself and expect you to take care of yourself as well. I’m looking for a good-looking, intelligent, funny, romantic, educated, fit, accomplished, financially secure man. You shouldn’t have any baggage even though you’re in your 60’s or 70’s. If you’re looking for someone to support you financially or take care of you in your old age, keep looking. You’re not the man for me.
I want to meet someone who looks good in jeans, but even better in a suit or tuxedo. I’m not interested in camping or eating pub fare, so you’d better enjoy 5-star hotels, luxury cruises and fine dining. Sorry, I’m not being shallow here, but no fatties, no baldies, no beer guts, no long hair, no handlebar mustaches and no comb-overs. Please don’t say you’re “About Average” when you have a beer gut the size of a small country. And please take off your baseball cap when you take a selfie in the bathroom mirror for your profile picture. NOBODY looks good in a baseball cap. Come to think of it, nobody looks good in a selfie taken in the bathroom mirror. I’m constantly amazed at the number of men looking for their “soul mate” who can’t even be bothered to take (or have taken) a decent picture or two. And don’t even get me started on the topic of canned profiles. You’re looking for the love of your life and you think a bathroom mirror selfie and a canned profile are the way to go? Yes, I can see that finding someone to love and be loved by is about as important to you as, say, cleaning your fridge once every few years.
No picture, no reply. If I don’t reply to your message, please don’t take it personally. It just means I’m either too rude or too lazy to type the words “I’m sorry – I don’t think we’d make a good match.” And I’m not interested in pictures of your favourite vacation paradises, grandchildren, pets, cars, boats, aircraft or mansions. You can send me those later along with your financial statement.”
There, that about sums up the highlights from most of the profiles I’ve read. LOL! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!”
Fabulous work Squeak!!! Loved it and read it all the way to the end . Amen. Xxxx
Perfect! I got so discussed after seeing The Book Club I went on Google to find out the ages of the actors…Check it out. It’s scary to think that there is as much as 13 yrs difference between the couples…Fonda-Johnson; Bergen-Dreyfuss…NO WAY is that reality…not when the man is the younger one. OK, there are 3 or 4 couples out there somewhere…LOL Anyway, I applaud you for letting me know that I’m not alone. For me, that adventure is done, at least for awhile. 😉
Oh Squeak! That’s priceless, but sadly to true! I started to write something similar but decided against it. I’m already so far out of the norm, I’m not sure many guys will respond to me. So many women I talk to and hear from don’t have happy ending stories about online dating. Not sure how long I’ll be online, but I’m just treating it as entertainment. BTW, my doctor got married last weekend to someone he met on Match!! Love that story… I will remember it and cherish it because it may be the only match I come across. Here’s to strong, smart single women! xoxox, Brenda
Since I turned 62 (5 yrs ago) and let my hair go grey (with permanent purple streaks and very short) I have not had one actual date. I am on 3 different dating sites. Two I paid for. I am a good looking woman. Everything you said it true. I also want to comment that I went to see “The Book Club.” I wanted to stand up in the movie house and shout….NO WAY, THIS NEVER HAPPENS UNLESS YOU ASK FOR SEX IN YOUR AD. If I’m not geographically undesirable (25 mile radius) then I’m asked to grow my hair, color my hair, how healthy am I, would I like to travel on the back of a Harley (be my Harley woman, please God, give me strength!) or live in an RV, go fishing or hike/snowshoe/kayak the world. Of course, they don’t look like they can cross the street without taking a breather. Yes, I’m venting, but I’m also heartbroken. I’ve given up. It’s no longer worth HOURS ONLINE trying to get NO! And finally, yes, I could answer the two/three work responses I get from men 10 to 15 yrs older than me (77 to 83), but I don’t want to be anyone’s nurse/housekeeper or have sex with someone that old. (Stop laughing…)
Maryann, Love your comments!! “Sex with someone that old… ” I feel the same way! It doesn’t matter whether I’m at the grocery store, the mall or at a stoplight… The guys I see look old… Old, old. I don’t want a man that bad. Who knows? They probably feel the same way about me, because I don’t get noticed like I did 20 years ago. “The Book Club” is a funny movie, but so unrealistic. I can’t see a woman Candace Bergen’s age having sex in the backseat of a car with a man she just me. And I was bothered by the fact that Diane Keaton’s daughters treated her like she was this side of a nursing home… “We fixed up our basement for you!” And if we’re going to get really technical… Jane Fonda looked fabulous, but she’s 80 and Don Johnson’s 68. Not going to happen for most of us, although if Don Johnson happens to read this and is single… I’m interested. xoxox, Brenda
Bless your heart. I went to an online dating service just to get a look at what is out there in my city and it is so sad. What is wrong with men? Who in the world would ever contact a 70 yr old man with no shirt on holding a dog? I can not imagine any woman being desperate enough to contact 99% of these men.
Victoria, I’ve been laughing at your “Who in the world would ever contact a 70 yr old man with no shirt on holding a dog?” statement for two days!! It’s stuck in my head like one of those old commercial jingles on TV. And your’e so right… 99% of them I just ignore. I’ve been online for three weeks now, and I’ve stopped clicking and looking because there’s no one there who interests me at all. It is very sad. Thanks for your awesome comment, Brenda
I went through this with my daughter a couple of years ago. My word. the things the men sent her! Who decided that what a woman most wants to see is a naked man? Obviously a man . . .
Obviously a man… You’re right on target with that one, Diane! It clearly shows how much men think and are motivated by their little brain. That will drive them until they give up their last breath. Did your daughter ever find someone? Thanks so much, Brenda
We should compare notes…. I ran into everything you mentioned and more. If you write anything that leads them to think you live a comfortable life – my initial mistake – you’re inundated with requests for money. If they look too good to be true – they are. Then I was matched with the father of my sons’ best friend – while he was still married. I had recently had dinner with him and his wife, which led me to wonder how many are telling lies. I quit that night and never went back to that or any other site. We could also talk about blind dates. What were my my friends thinking when they set me up??? I could start with the tango dancing Buddhist….
PS – I had hoped to go on the upcoming trip to Italy but was sidetracked by my son’s fall wedding. If there’s another trip, you can hear the details over wine.
Hi Donna, I haven’t even had anyone try to set me up with a blind date. My doctor and his wife said they’ve thought a lot about it, but they don’t know anyone suitable. After my first husband died, one of my best friends since high school set me up with the world’s foremost authority on bats. He met us at her son’s Little League game, and least you think he was knowledgeable about baseball bats, it was those creepy little winged creatures. Looking back I felt like I was on a date with Bubba from “Forest Gump.” He talked nonstop about “fittermouse bats, horseshoe bats, megabats, vampire bats, fossilized bats… ” I may never let her forget that one. Who does that to their best friend? Awesome comment. Thanks, Brenda
OH FOR GOODNESS SAKES!!!!!!!!!!
WHERE DID ALL THE NORMAL MEN GO?
Perhaps one of your TEXAN READERS KNOWS SOMEONE?
HELP………BRENDA NEEDS A MAN TO DATE .HER STAFF (THATS US!) will have to approve HIM FIRST BY PHOTO!!!!!!!!
YES, BRENDA you can TELL A LOT BY A PHOTO!!!!!!!!!
NEXT SITE PERHAPS?
XX
Elizabeth, I’ve about decided MEN WERE NEVER NORMAL. We were young and just DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER!! Thank goodness I DON’T NEED A MAN… The right man would be nice, but I’m doing just fine! I love that you’re appealing to my readers and it’s so sweet of you to be my “staff” and approve them. If only I could post their pictures online… There are two…. actually way more than two, but these two guys you must see. Thank you, sweet lady for looking out for me! xoxox, Brenda
Brenda, I hardly know what to say. I’m certainly not surprised by what you’ve written, I have enough single friends of various ages who’ve been dating online on and off and the stories they tell me…! At least you’re savvy, I have one friend who chooses to believe what most men tell her and continues to get repeatedly used and hurt. And the photographs they send her…honestly, only a man would think a woman he’s never met would want to see him naked! Essie xx
Hi Essie, So happy you found time to comment on this. I’m following your Everything Ahead of You journey with awe and admiration. Part of me is also saying I know a brave, crazy lady! The online dating thing… At this point it’s nothing but a joke. It’s long past being a source of entertainment. How sad so many people are alone, perverted and slimy. Sending you and David all the love in the world. I must meet this man of yours! I like him. I like getting a sense of him on your Facebook videos. Peddle on, sweet friend and daily ask God to keep you safe. Love, Brenda
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