Don’t hold me to this, but I’m thinking about signing up with one of those online dating sites. From time to time a good friend urges me to just go ahead and do it. He doesn’t like the thought of me being alone and wants me to meet a nice guy. While dating isn’t high on my priority list, I did go out a few months ago with a guy I met at the airport bus stop.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have been too surprised when he “wasn’t the one.”
When I look around at the guys I cross paths with, on a daily basis, the vast majority of men my age haven’t taken care of themselves. Their cardiologists would probably say they’ve never met a chicken fried steak they’ve avoided, and they haven’t seen the inside of a gym since high school. Why would I go out with someone who looks like a heart attack is waiting to happen or maybe cancer is an x-ray away? I’ve been down both roads with my two “late” husbands.
When I think about the guys who might be my “Mr. Right,” they’re either too young, too old or dead. On the flip side, I can’t see myself watching movies on my laptop every night with Annie and Lulu laying at my feet.
I am wary… very wary… about meeting someone online. I know a couple of guys who’ve joined those sites, and they’re both batshit crazy! One set the age parameter for women he’d be interested in at 18 to 104-years-old.
When my mother was 50, she met a great guy who lied to her about his age by 15 years.
When they married, she thought he was 65, but he was really 80. He was a dear, sweet, loving man who cared deeply for her, so I think she saw what she wanted to see. While they had a few great years together, when his health went south, she learned his two sons had made him rewrite his Will before he and mother married, leaving what little he had to them. Both sons were already fabulously wealthy. One was an attorney and an investment banker who’d married the Steuben Glass heiress, while the other son owned TWO of only 49 Gutenberg Bibles in existence! TWO! Neither son would contribute the much needed funds to care for their father, so my mother lifted him, bathed him and cared for him at home until her own health failed.
Last night I watched the film, I’ll See You in My Dreams, starring Blythe Danner and Sam Elliott. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but Sam Elliott’s character is the first man she’s dated since her husband died 23 year earlier. In an interview, Blythe Danner said the film is more about self acceptance at a certain age than the hope of finding someone.
That’s where I am… the self acceptance phase.
I’ve written this before, but I’ve come to accept I may not be willing to put myself out there to wade through the crazies, the men who want caregivers, think of dating sites as an escort service or have adult children who are selfish jerks. On the other hand, Annie and Lulu aren’t stimulating conversationalists, plus who knows? I might meet a decent guy.
Please tell me everything you know about the good sites, the bad sites, and if you’d care to share… I’d be interested in your experiences with online dating or those of someone you know.
18 Comments
Hi Brenda – love your blog! I help smart successful women/men with dating (including online dating). I started Smart Dating Academy eight years ago (www.smartdatingacademy.com) and happy to point you in a good direction. And, it’s Peak Dating Season now . Bela
Hi Bela, I’ve been on your site and will contact you this week! Thanks for touching base, Brenda
Just no eHarmony or other sites that claim to screen. They ask too many questions, which allow narcissists and psychopaths to masquerade as human beings. Try something simple and meet in a nice safe place. Then let your instincts be your guide before you “fall in like” on paper. Happy dating!! Xx
Thanks for the advice, Jen! I have a friend who tried to fix me up with a famous actor. After doing my homework, I decided he was a womanizer, so if I passed on him… There’s little chance of me falling in like on paper, but that’s great wisdom. Thank you!! xoxox, Brenda
Go ahead! Dip your toes into online dating! I know many more “happily ever after stories” than the “date from hell” variety! Not me, though: 47 years married. But several of my “of a certain age” friends—a few who I was shocked had done so—have found either a great friend, companion, or husband!
Glad to have some positive stories, Missi. Thank you! One of my friends goes out all the time with men she meets online… They all fall in the friends or companion columns, but she’s having fun. Brenda
I know a handful of people who met on MATCH.COM!
I have NO EXPERIENCE in this area………
Why Not?
There must be a TEXAN out there LOOKING FOR YOU!!!!!
Give it a TRY……..YOU can ALWAYS SAY NO or pull the PLUG!
XX
I like your reasoning… YOU can ALWAYS SAY NO or pull the PLUG! I’ll remember that. Thanks!! xoxox, Brenda
Maybe a Christian site, but I can see really disastrous results….our society is so bad now a days.
Thanks for watching out for me, Barry! I appreciate it. There are a lot of crazies out there, so this may be a short lived experiment. xoxox, Brenda
Thanks for watching out for me, Barry! I appreciate it. There are a lot of crazies out there, so this may be a short lived experiment. xoxox, Brenda
I don’t have advice on the dating sites. I lasted less than 48 hours on Match as I was terrified by receiving naked photos of men young enough to be my son. I loved the world we grew up in that was organic and easy to create relationships naturally. I’ve had a lifetime of not so healthy relationships with men and have learned I have a high bar to trust again. A 20 year extremely abusive marriage left me in a million pieces with a lot of inner work to do. Wishing you success and a happy and healthy relationship ahead. Happy New Year
I hear you, Catherine, and am sorry you endured an abusive relationship. I had one as well… the Boyfriend From Hell. Truth be told, I’m not really invested in finding someone. I’m happy the way things are and leery of the crazies that lurk out there and the stories I hear. Think my “experiment” is more about getting my well-meaning friend to back off about my not having a man in my life. If I don’t… he’s like a dog with a bone, and I’ll keep hearing about how I need to try Match.com… We’ll see. I appreciate your input. Thank you!
Brenda, I went through so many marriages with my mother I’m titling my memoir, ‘Daddy du Jour’. I am grateful every day for my husband of 49 years, even though we almost split a couple of times along the way. I would be leery of dating sites, honestly. It might be better to find a girlfriend who would go out to different restaurants and clubs with you and see if you can strike up a conversation with someone who seems like your type. You have sharp instincts and you should trust them. xob
Hi B, What an impression that must have made on you!!! Yet you’ve managed to be married for 49 years!! That’s amazing even if you had the best of role models. I’m not the club type… plus I’m not interested in guys who are. Perhaps I should join something… like my college Alumni group. Thanks for your input. xoxox, Brenda
I’m glad to hear you say that, Betsy, because I’d do that in a heartbeat.
Do it! Why not? If you meet a crazy at least it gives you something fun to write about….on the other hand, you may be surprised what you find on Match. I know of many success stories but they all say the same thing, do not give up to quickly!
“Do not give up too quickly… ” Great advice, and you’re right… Worst case I’d probably have a story to tell. Thank you so much, January! Brenda