If we’ve had a long-term sex partner and we’re not satisfied in bed, we might be intimidated to ask for what we want. It can be awkward… perhaps the right word is SCARY… especially if we haven’t had a regular dialogue about what makes us feel good. Because the male ego is linked so closely to their little brain, we may be afraid of bringing it up for fear our partner will think we’ve been faking it all this time. Or maybe they’ll interpret it as they’re not a good lover.
While both of these may be true, it may also be that we’ve never told them what we like or shown them how to do it.
Other than breathing, I can’t name anything that is effortless the first time we do it. How many activities—sports, cooking, painting, driving—can you name that you were good at, right off the bat? Even getting dressed in the morning requires some tweaking. Few pieces in our closet look perfect without some help. We may have to turn back the cuffs, tuck in our shirt, and add some accessories like jewelry and the right pair of shoes.
Or what about ordering food in a restaurant? We have to tell the waiter how we like our steak—medium with no steak butter—and salad dressing on the side, please. So why do we think our sex partners should automatically know what feels good to us and the best way to achieve it?
A new partner asked exactly what I wanted, and then proceeded to give it to me, and it remains the single most erotic, sexual experience of my life.
After the fact, some men may ask, “Was it good for you?” but their question doesn’t always come from a place of really caring if we had an orgasm. Often they’re looking for affirmation they were good in bed.
Recently I watched the film, Good Luck Leo Grande, with Emma Thompson and Daryl McCormack. Have you seen it? You can find it on Hulu. Thompson’s character is a 62-year-old widow and a retired teacher who taught religious education. After a boring sex life with a husband who was on and gone in sixty seconds, she remains a woman who’s never had an orgasm. Somehow she musters the courage to hire a young “sex worker” (the current politically correct term), in hopes of having one night of sexual pleasure.
It’s not unusual for men and women to experience shame when talking about things that turn them on, but if we’re to be honest and own our sexuality, desire—and absolute right—to feel pleasure, then we must be honest with our partner.
If we want different things in the bedroom then we need to ask for them. “Medium well, no steak butter.”
And if we’re afraid of hurting our partner’s ego, what if we take the pressure off of them? We could say something like, “It’s nothing you’re doing. It’s me. My body has changed, and I’m having a harder time with ‘x, y, z.’ What if we tried something new?”
Then fill in the blanks and show them how to turn back the cuffs and add the accessories.
I know this can be a delicate conversation but hopefully, I’ve given you some ideas regarding Women Over 50 and Asking for Sexual Pleasure.
24 Comments
Keyword: accessories!
LOL! You are so right, Bonnie! xoxox, Brenda
Hi Brenda,
I might be one of the few males that follow your column, but thank you for bringing this out into the sunshine. Men are simple creatures. We are black and white, while women are the rainbow. Tell us! We both have methods of satisfying ourselves, but there is no substitute for the touch of another. Tell us, for this is how we learn.
Benjamin Franklin had one of the best quotes about interactive learning: “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.” You and Ben have the right idea! Thanks, Mark.
Great suggestions Brenda! I’m wondering how many women will leave a comment on this one but I imagine they found it helpful. I did. No one talks about these things. Thank you.
Good point, Arlo. It may be difficult to articulate our feelings about this blog post without giving more information than we’d like. Thank you! Brenda
Oh wow! I have a bizzilion things I can add to this post but I’ll just say thank you. Xo
LOL! I know you do! Thanks Barbara. xoxox, Brenda
Great post Brenda… Talking definitely helps…. and directing….
Thanks for reading and leaving me a comment, Hilda. Communicating is everything! xoxox, Brenda
As always, your thoughts and suggestions are spot on. Thank you Brenda
You’re welcome, Patsy. It’s great to see you here! xoxox, Brenda
A while back in the comments someone suggested you should become our new Dear Abby. I agree Brenda. You gave a diplomatic straightforward way of writing about everything and what you say lays it out so it’s understandable and hard to dispute. Where do we nominate you?
You’re sweet, Mary, and I appreciate the sentiments. I think social media is today’s Dear Abby, don’t you? Unfortunately, unless we know the adviser, their suggestions may be worth what we paid for them. It’s sometimes hard to accept life advice even from those we know and trust. xoxox, Brenda
Weigh my first husband I was shy about sex and didn’t talk about it or care if I felt anything. I just wanted it to be over. That was a long time ago. A lot of therapy and discovering who I am and what I want. Thank you for being brave enough to write about this.
Brava for evolving into the woman you are now. That takes guts and a lot of work. Few of us know how to handle sexual matters at a young age. I think the women coming up behind us are better equipped to ask for what they want. But, once we figure it out, I doubt we stay silent regardless of the topic. I appreciate the comment, Brenda
Hi Brenda,
I think it takes two partners that are 99% compatible in everyday life to intimately understand one another romantically. Giving, caring, with it, and being sensitive, creative, imaginative certainly comes into play. Honesty
and sharing what pleases one another with direct and honest communication is so important. I think if you are blessed to have most of the above you are on your way to fulfillment together.
I would like to see the movie. Thanks for sharing.
Yes, both partners have to be open to talking about their wants and needs as well as to giving and receiving pleasure. I had a relationship with someone who wasn’t. Never did figure him out. Thanks, Katherine, Brenda
I’m in my early 4os and had hoped my generation of men wouldn’t be so sexually selfish as “on and gone in 60 seconds”… great line… but many of them are spoiled selfish shits and not just in bed. So much for “you get a trophy”, and “you get a trophy.” The ones I meet act entitled to whatever they want. I can’t imagine having one of them as the father of my child.
Woah! I’m sorry to hear that, Emily. Not all men are this way, but I sometimes wonder if the ones with mothers who spoiled them and made them the center of their universe are more inclined to be selfish. Good men aren’t easy to find, but keep looking and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t put you first in the relationship. It may also help to make sure you’re looking in places where you might find a keeper. Clubs and bars… I would skip the watering holes. Thanks for reading and leaving me a comment. xoxox, Brenda
Super blog topic and content. Gotta see the movie but don’t currently have Hulu. Thanks for always being so encouraging!
Thank you, Carol. I appreciate that. I just googled the film and dug deeper and see that it’s also available on Amazon. You might check it out. xoxox, Brenda
Definitely a timely subject to tackle at this time in our lives when we ladies may be single, divorced, widowed, or just tired of the same old, same old. I think it’s all about communication and that’s where it gets tough. The ego thing, but also how we convey our feelings to our partner without causing hurt or feelings of inadequacy. Thanks for tackling this subject- the comments were quite interesting!! I really want to see this movie…love Emma Thompson!!
Thanks Jane! The comments here are always insightful. It’s the “yin” to my blog’s “yang.” Being sexually satisfied is a delicate conversation, and while we don’t want to “take the blame” for anything, especially since we’ve spent so long finding our voice, I think it’s a good way to get what we want without having a spouse with hurt feelings. xoxox, Brenda