What do you think about romantic relationships between an older woman and a younger man? After my first husband died, I had a relationship with a younger man. He was 26 and very successful, and I was 39, but I broke it off because of our age difference. What would people think; what would my friends say; what if he wanted to have children someday, and for me, the most obvious reason: What happens when I start looking more like his mother? He was hurt by my decision, but at the time, I was still recovering from things that could have, and should have, taken me down. They’re the basis of the memoir I’ve written. The truth is, I couldn’t bear the thought of another thing to recover from because I didn’t want to open myself up for what I was sure would be certain disaster down the road.
I never looked at an ongoing relationship with him from the perspective of it might work out.
This week I watched The Idea of You, a new film on Amazon, starring Anne Hathaway and Nicholas Galitzine as the younger man, and it struck more than a passing chord about the similar time in my life. Hathaway plays a divorced mother who begins an unlikely relationship with the lead singer of a boyband. Before you say, “A guy from a boyband doesn’t interest me,” please press pause because the film asks an important question:
Why shouldn’t women over 40—the age of Anne Hathaway’s character, but I’m raising the age to 50, 60, and above—get involved with a younger man?
The Idea of You is deeper and more unexpected than your typical rom-com. It makes the case that just because a woman has reached a certain age—whatever that may be—she doesn’t have to apologize for being sexual and expressing the woman she feels inside as opposed to the age on her birth certificate and what society expects of her at that age.
Until the 2003 film, Something’s Gotta Give, and its positive twist on the May/December romance between the much older Diane Keaton and Keanu Reeves as the hot young doctor who asks her to marry him, Hollywood portrayed older women as sad desperate characters with younger paid male companions who weren’t always in their best interest. Like the tragic 1961 film, The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone, based on a Tennessee Williams story and starring an older Vivian Leigh and a slick Warren Beatty as her young opportunist lothario. If you haven’t seen it, you might want to skip it. The ending will break your heart.
Then there was Richard Gere as the well-dressed male escort, Julian, in the 1980 neo-noir film, American Gigolo. Don’t get me started because I can write about that one for days. I loved it! But Julian never took advantage of the women who hired him. Other than being a male prostitute, his heart was on the right side of the moral code.
As I watched The Idea of You, I teared up more than once as I thought about the parallels with my own life. My younger man was also gorgeous, mature, and uber-successful, and we didn’t notice an age difference, but in the end, it was the one thing I couldn’t get past. But the best message I took away from The Idea of You is that today’s women are making different decisions than I did. It doesn’t mean they’re any easier, but they’re more commonplace, plus we have more positive and fulfilling choices about what makes us happy.
Please leave me your comments and tell me what you think about relationships between an older woman and a younger man.
22 thoughts on “RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN AN OLDER WOMAN AND A YOUNGER MAN”
At 68 I look at the options for dating men my age and a few older and think ick. Out of shape, set in their ways, wanting a nurse, can’t get it up. Still with that patriarchal mindset that I divorced. (granted I am living in a hellhole for available men..smaller funky Asheville) I’m starting to think younger might be the way to go. No one I could have given birth to but maybe low 60s, late 50s. The movie was cute and loved the ending.
Nancie, The comment you left me has gone on the list of my all-time favorites! You nailed almost everything and did it with humor. “No one I could have given birth to.” I’ll remember this line for the rest of my life. If it makes you feel any better, I live in the 7th largest city in the United States and the pickins’ are still slim… To the point, I quit looking a decade ago. The only thing I’d add to your comment is “or his children aren’t nice to you because they’re afraid you’ll wind up with something that should have gone to them.” That’s never happened to me, and it’s not true of all stepchildren, but I’ve seen it time and again with friends of mine. Please stop by and leave me another comment some time! xoxox, Brenda
Chatting with the court appointed victim advocate………she was late 60’s, and said the ones in her range were all looking for a nurse and a purse while they waited for the hearse.
Bingo!!! So true! No thanks! Thank you, love! xoxox, Brenda
Brenda you write so well. I love your blogs and am always sad when they come to an end. I’m one of the lucky ones. Been married to my guy since we got out of college but if he weren’t here I wouldn’t go looking for anyone else. That said, I love Nancie’s point about the pitiful crop out there to choose from. I say follow your heart and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.
Awe, thank you, Karen. What a nice compliment. I appreciate you. I know what you mean. I was married to a great man, and since he died, I’m just not interested. Friends have urged me to find someone, so I humored them for about two days. Yes, the crop is pitiful, and I agree: Follow your heart and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Thank you! xoxox, Brenda
Wow Brenda! Love that picture of you! No one would have suspected you of being his mother!
LOL! Thanks for that, Arlo! xoxox, Brenda
I watched the Roman Spring of Mrs Stone and you’re right. Too sad to think about although she desperately didn’t want to be alone and needed validation she was still attractive. Unfortunately I know a woman who married the first man she met after her divorce… older… and she’s stuck with the same book different chapter. Id rather be single.
Garden Blooms, I know a woman like that as well, and she was desperate. Can’t imagine what she saw in him except he was breathing. She had to know, in her heart, that marrying him was not the right move. Why aren’t we enough for ourselves? Thank you! Please come see me, again. Brenda
Great post! My niece over 40 did just what you almost did. She married a man around ten years younger. They are happily married with their second child in the works! I think she is very smart. She more than likely will not be caring for an old man like many of us!!
That makes me happy to hear, Cindy! 40/30 are great ages for both of them. Love this comment!! xoxox, Brenda
Brenda, thank you for writing this conversation as it is often skirted or smilingly dismissed. You questioned why do we limit ourselves in love? Why would we not be open to possibilities? You allowed yourself a relationship with a younger man and were happier for it. We leave relationships for many reasons, not just age. I have been married to a younger man for 35 years. I only wish I had found him sooner.
You’re right, Orinda. Other than a rom-com that’s not always supportive of older women/younger men, this is a topic we don’t read about very often. Before I wrote this blog, I looked my younger man up online and found a picture of him. He lives in Switzerland, and I think he still owns and flies big jets… think passenger jets… No, he’s not a professional pilot. Not sure what he’s doing, but it looks like he’s doing it well. I’m happy you found your younger man and that it’s working. xoxox9, BP
I have been happily married to a younger man for 37 years. We met when I was 31 (divorced) and he was 23. I highly recommend it!
Hi Kerry, I have some friends who found one another when she and he were the same ages. They have a daughter and are still married and doing well. He’s a prince, and I think the world of her. Congratulations it’s worked out for all of you! xoxox, Brenda
It’s ok for women to date younger men. It’s nobody’s business but theirs. Unfortunately, I see older men with much younger women but not the opposite. I know several older men who after founding a family leave their wives for younger women and move to some countries where women are looking for financial stability. ..relationships built on accommodation instead of love but very flattering for male ego and the woman is being taken care of and the relationship seems to work. Here, I am talking about men in their seventies and eighties with women in their thirties. It’s still taboo for an older woman to be seen with a younger man.
Crazy isn’t it, Yvonne? The male ego is driven by their little brain, which controls everything. I sometimes wish God had made a few changes to the male and female circuitry, but obviously, he knows best. xoxox, Brenda
I’ve been married to a man almost 10 years younger than me for 37 years and together for 40. We married when he was 30 and I was 39. I had twins at 42. We have always complimented each other. I worry a little when I’m 89 and he’s 80 because I don’t want to look older and act older. Right now you don’t see the difference. It’s had it ups and downs like any marriage and I don’t think based on age difference. All and all it’s a good marriage.
I like that your relationship with a younger man is still a good marriage. And yes, all marriages have a cycle of good times and ones that aren’t as good. If you stay physically active, you’ll be able to stave off some of the signs of aging. xoxox, Brenda
Hi Brenda,
You continue to amaze me and what you were doing at Fort Hood. I’m sure you have stories to tell about that experience. What haven’t you done. Your memoir I think is going to be a page turner. Look how pretty you are in that pic. No wonder your 26 year young guy was heartbroken.
It’s good you looked him up. He sounds wonderful.
The age difference on either side when it gets into 15 years that can create issues especially as you get into your later years. The key I have found snd from my experience COMPATIBILITY is everything. If you marry out of need and loneliness
that just adds fuel to the fire, or you think I can change or train that person.
Relationships take work.
Thank you, sweet lady, for the nice words and for being interested in my memoir. Being the first journalist to drive and fire the M-1 tank was a big deal, especially for the Army. The tank was behind schedule, over budget, and thought to be a dud, so my article was the first to correct all of those misconceptions. Katherine, you’re spot on about needing to be compatible! You must be friends with one another and while sex is great, it won’t always be the number one thing on your priority list. And thinking you “can change or train that person.”….. LOL! I have a lot to say about that one! Such a foolhardy thought. xoxox, Brenda