This week I’d planned to share some of my favorite “things,” but instead I thought I’d share some of my favorite people: Two women who’ve come into my life in the last ten years who are now among my most cherished friends, and I caught up with both of them last week in New York City.
“If I murdered someone, she’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor.” From Sandra Oh’s character, Christina Yang, in Grey’s Anatomy.
Don’t you love it? Louis Vuitton’s NYC flagship store is under renovation, and they’ve covered the construction site in classic LV luggage complete with their signature locks and chrome-plated, laser-cut steel hardware. The largest handle on the building weights 5,000 pounds!
One of the women I met ten years ago while we were waiting for the light to change on the corner of 50th and Lexington in New York City. While we waited, I noticed she was wearing a lymphedema sleeve, which told me she’d probably had breast cancer like me. I remember smiling and holding my arm up so she could see I was wearing the same compression sleeve, which started a conversation as we kept walking in the same direction. Since our “introduction” was on such a personal level, we skipped the usual get-to-know-you chit chat and agreed to meet later for a glass of wine, which turned into dinner and the beginnings of a treasured friendship. Since then, we’ve traveled together, and we continue to be amazed by all the things we have in common. Our similarities range from profound and scary—those will remain our secrets—to the weird and even trivial, like we each own the same three obscure purses. Our life experiences resonate on such a level that we affectionately call one another “Dop” as in we’re one another’s doppelgänger.
The second woman I met at a week-long writers’ retreat where we spent a lot of time reading our work aloud and commenting on one another’s writing. All of us had written about intimate things most people didn’t know about us. I’ve never bonded with a group of women I didn’t know as quickly as I did with them, and we will be friends forever.
What is happening to me? I’ve never been a jewelry girl. Just cameras. Now I’m falling in love with pieces I can’t afford unless I win the lottery! I asked one of my girlfriends if she thought this necklace would go with blue jeans? “Yes,” she said. “It will go great with blue jeans and a bodyguard.”
A couple of years ago I introduced the women to one another, and last week, we all got together and trooped from one end of the city to the other, attended a private trunk show, shopped for purses and jewelry, ate fabulous food, and speculated about whether the guy at the next table was really Harry Styles. But lest you think we have superficial relationships, our conversations are deep and meaningful. More importantly, we’re supportive of one another.
They don’t know it, but they’re the ones I would call to help me drag the corpse across the floor, and I hope they would call me to do the same thing.
Snazzy entrance to my hotel room.
When we reach a certain age, many of us have decided we have all the friends we need so we don’t think about making new friends. Then there are those who would love to have more friends, but we don’t know where to start. The older we get, the harder it is to form real and lasting friendships. Plus it’s difficult to trust someone new to the point where we share our stories and the most sacred parts of our lives.
I don’t have the magic formula for how to meet new friends, but the relationships with the two women I’ve told you about are examples of why we might think about extending ourselves more. Why we shouldn’t be afraid to say “hello” to a stranger, or to open our heart to someone new.
Really great women friendships are rare. Don’t be afraid to discover a new one.
71 thoughts on “BRENDA COFFEE’S FAVORITE PEOPLE”
“Yes, it goes with blue jeans and a bodyguard!” Hilarious Brenda. I can see why you like these women. Xo, Barb
Thanks, Barb! Yes. We have a similar sense of humor. xoxox, Brenda
Glad you got the link problem solved and I could open your email because this was a lovely blog post. Making friends after a certain age is a real problem staring with where do we find them?
You’re right, Marcie! Perhaps we begin by thinking about all the places women might go: yoga classes, water aerobics, pickleball, events at our local museums, wine tastings at restaurants, book readings at bookstores. Even so, there’s no guarantee we’ll make a friend, but we won’t know unless we try and by try, we need to strike up conversations as simple as “How’s your day been going?” I know from experience it’s guaranteed to get people talking. xoxox, Brenda
I understand where you’re coming from. I turned 75 today! Thinking how fortunate I am to still be here. It is so very hard to meet new people & call them a friend. I live in a small older community where I think of everyone as friends, but really not deep enough to share my inner most feelings & thoughts. It’s hard to trust. You are so lucky to have found these 2 ladies.❤️
Happy Birthday, Susan!!!I can certainly relate. Take care and have a beautiful day! You’re not alone.
You’re sweet to wish Susan a Happy Birthday, Yvonne! Eeek! I missed that. xoxox, Brenda
Susan, A small community of people who’ve lived there a long time… Yes. I imagine most anything you say would spread through the gossip mill like lightening! Even under the best of circumstances, and the best of friends, gossip can be tasty. xoxox, Brenda
I understand where you’re coming from. I turned 75 today! Thinking how fortunate I am to still be here. It is so very hard to meet new people & call them a friend. I live in a small older community where I think of everyone as friends, but really not deep enough to share my inner most feelings & thoughts. It’s hard to trust. You are so lucky to have found these 2 ladies.❤️
I love this, Brenda what a wonderful friendship you ladies have developed. Friendships are so important as we age especailly girlfriends!!
Cindy, I feel blessed to have met them, that’s for sure. xoxox, Brenda
Oh Brenda, you’re so fortunate to have found such good friends. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with you? To have good friends, you have to be a good friend and without any doubt you are a very good one.
I am fortunate. Thank you, Yvonne!! xoxox, Brenda
Your post comes at a profound time for me. My best friend died a few months ago and I’m feeling a little lost. We’d been friends since college and new everything about one another. I can’t imagine finding another friend like that.
Rene, my heart goes out to you. So sorry for your loss. I also lost my very best friend and I am still grieving. ‘We knew everything about each other and I can’t imagine finding another friend like that’. Your words echo the way I am feeling. I am still open to meeting new people but as I am still grieving the loss of my best friend, I take time for myself to heal my broken heart. I am sending a big hug! Take care!
Yvonne, You’ve also lost a good friend as well…. I know that’s hard. ❤️❤️❤️, Brenda
Oh, Rene! I’m sorry. I remember when my mother said, “Wait until your friends start dying… ” I’ve never forgotten that. While you may never have another relationship like that one, forged over good times and bad since college, I hope you meet a friend with whom you have things in common. xoxox, Brenda
I would love more friends. My best friend moved away a few years ago. We keep in touch and do see each other from time to time. It is very difficult to meet new people at this stage of life. You are very lucky to have met these two women. I’m a little jealous 🙂
I hear you Jeannette. Both of the women in my life live in totally different parts of the country from me and one another, so other than texting and calling, we have to plan opprotunities to get together. xoxoxo, Brenda
Unfortunately as we get older we begin to lose childhood friends and others we’ve gained through the years.
I now know more people in the town cemetery than I know alive. It’s very depressing and lonely at times. I still have a few friends and one I’ve had for over sixty years that would be the one to drag the body lol. As we age I find people a little Leary of reaching out to be a friend.
Don’t stop trying, you never know where a friendly face might show up. Plus online friends (you’ve never met) count in my opinion!
Carol, you are right about on-line friendships perhaps being a source of strength and interest. I have actually booked a trip to the Netherlands (including a river cruise) in the spring , and part of my reason is to meet someone I have followed for a few years on-line , and then continuing the conversation privately.
I am so looking forward to meeting her , as I find her a source of joy and inspiration… she’s quite a comic. I surprised myself that I am doing this!
Brava, Cath! I met a friend in a similar way. She’s one of my blog readers, from London, and she came to meet me when I was in Paris a number of years ago. Loved our time together!!! xoxox, Brenda
“You never know where a friendly face might show up.” So true, Carol. “Don’t stop trying.” Thanks for that. xoxox, Brenda
I can relate to your statement about people being leery and understand how you’re feeling about losing friends and being depressed and lonely. It’s not easy in this very individualistic society but we have to keep trying the faith that good people will come our way and it’s very important to be our best friend and be kind to ourselves. Sending you a big hug!
xoxox, Brenda
My first instinct was to chuckle at “more people in the town cemetery,” but that’s not funny. We’re probably lucky if we have one person we can call a true friend because I think you’re right. A lot of people aren’t sure they want to reveal themselves and do what it takes to make a new friend. xoxox, Brenda
Brenda, I have no doubt you are on their list too!!! Loved this column! ❤️
Thank you, Miss Linda!! Sending love to you & Annie. xoxox, Brenda
I just started sitting in a women’s circle in Septmber. I knew most of these women and asked if I could join. They said yes! I’m the oldest woman in it at 68. Some are in their early 30’s, early 40’s and two in their 50’s.We go deep together. I look forward to growing these relationship so much.
Love that you’ve joined them Deb! You’re all lucky to have one another. I wouldn’t know where to find “a women’s circle.” xoxox, Brenda
What an uplifting article about friendships, Brenda. At 74, and newly solo after a long marriage, I depend on my friends to have a laugh, and meaningful conversations. I am a thoughtful & generous friend , so when a woman I have come to rely on for engaging conversation and some comic relief, backs away a couple of months ago, when I really needed to have her calming presence , it is confusing . I am not sure if I should contact to express that. Texting may not give the best interpretation of what she actually meant back in early August… but maybe I am not realizing she was saying goodbye and good luck. Two younger friends think she’s breaking off the friendship. It’s a puzzle and taking up space in my head .
Give a few extra efforts, and some friends are for a season. I’m sorry you’re newly solo. There is still joy to come, hang in there.
Carol, thank you for your consideration. ❤️ I am definitely much happier and feeling a sense of renewal now that I’m out of this long marriage…
I felt increasingly more invisible and unworthy of love. I know that is definitely not true. But I was speaking about relationships with women, and although I have two new healthy and happy ones since I found my own space, it’s that one from before that is puzzling me. I might give an extra try , as you suggest, at finding out if I misunderstood her message.
Thanks for taking the time to send me your supportive thoughts.
❤️❤️❤️, Brenda
Sweet comment. I love seeing how supportive you all are of one another! This blog group would be a great group of friends, wouldn’t it? xoxox, Brenda
Friendships can be complicated. Something similar happened to me and I was heartbroken as I cared deeply about that person. I contacted her hoping to get an explanation but she refused to address the issue and I was left feeling worse. There was no accusation from her part but she didn’t resume the friendship. I heard that she passed away and now I am left with this unresolved issue, not knowing what I did wrong or maybe it had nothing to do with me. I just wish that she would have had the courage to open the communication and resolve the issue, if not the friendship, for my own peace of mind. Now, I have to accept and move on. In your situation, you might want to contact her but remember that the outcome could be positive or negative. Best of luck to you! Be kind to yourself! I apologize for any mistakes as English is not my first language.
Yvonne, I had a friend who said she didn’t want to be friends anymore. Six months later, she died. Her daughter has since told me her mother wasn’t in a good place, mentally, and it had nothing to do with me. Don’t be hard on yourself. We never know what someone’s going through or if they’re having mental or emotional problems. Your English is perfect!! What’s your first language? xoxox, Brenda
Cath, That’s a tough one, but the only way you’ll know for sure is to call her. Perhaps she was having a bad day, or didn’t realize how it came across. I know all too well about things taking up space in my head. We don’t need that. I vote for calling and asking her if you misinterpreted her. xoxox, Brenda
Love the Edward Sorel murals at The Waverly Inn. The LV store is a WOW! Your friendships sound so fulfilling.
Colleen, Aren’t they great? I read where they were comissioned by Gradon Carter. xoxox, Brenda
Hi Brenda,
The Waverly Inn looks like a great place to stay.
I love your relationship you have developed with two lovely ladies. Where and how you met them, is a wonderful story to tell and share.
We can never have too many quality friends. I’m sure you have many because of the caring and lovely person you are.
Such a funny story about the gorgeous necklace, jeans, and body guard. Maybe when you sell lots of books you can treat yourself to this lotsa bucks gorgeous necklace. I think you will have to hire a body guard, unless you just decide to wear it in the house.
Happy birthday to Susan, I hope your day is special and you feel loved.
Brenda, if you are not posting until after Thanksgiving I just wanted to say I hope you have a special day doing whatever your heart wants to do.
You are a Blessing to all of us.
Thank you, Katherine! I hope I make even a small difference. That would be more than I could wish. FYI, I’ve already had two bodyguards at different times in my life… I write about this in my memoir… and they’re not fun, so I’d pass on the necklace just because of that. Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving as well sweet lady. xoxox, Brenda
Fabulous blog , I couldn’t agree more about making friends, I smile at everyone and get amazing smiles back ,
So it makes our day on both counts. Remain open to meaningful connections.
Luv and hugs x
Hi Jo, Thank you! Smiles and even saying “Hello” to a stranger is such a gift. Last week in NYC, I got in a taxi and said, “Hi” to the driver. The young woman who had just gotten out turned and said, “You’re going to talk to a cab driver?” I keep thinking about that. Very sad, don’t you think? xoxox, Brenda
I’m still laughing at, “they’re the ones I would call to help me drag the corpse…” I immediately related, not only to the humor, but level of friendship this signifies. I know who I’d call, and it’s a new friend I’ve known for only a year. It’s never too late to keep an open mind and open heart, that leads to a comment, a conversation and a new connection. And who knows, maybe that connection can even happen at book signing.
Your posts never fail to make me think, laugh and sometimes cry. They’re always wonderful. Thank you.
Oh! Thank YOU, Donna! I love you for that! Here’s hoping I’m able to meet all of you at my book signings, and the events themselves generate new friendships between those who attend. Wouldn’t that be a blessing? xoxox, Brenda
I am 100% on board with finding new friends. Since several of mine have not risen to the occasion since my son died, and my closest friend group fell apart soon afterward, I am all about it! Love this post. ❤️
Deepest condolences Gray, on the loss of your son. I’ve similarly found people distancing themselves after a massive tragedy/loss. Superficially they were there and then slowly faded out of my life.
Being wrapped up in grief leaves little time to devote to friendships. This is when we most need our closest people to support us, grieve with us & help us navigate. I lost so many “friends “ after my son it sadly opened my eyes to the reality of “friendship “. I now have 2 friends that have never left my side & I treasure them. I’m no longer looking for or needing anyone else. Death is not a contagious disease it’s a part of life. The sooner we open the conversation to a wider audience the more likely people will embrace the inevitable and look ahead as to what they want & have the tools to stay in supportive friendships.
Beautifully said and it’s coming from your own tragic experience. You said something so important: Supportive friendships. I’ve had a friendship with a woman I went to high school with but she’s more of a “frenimie.” I feel sorry for her, and it’s taken me a long time to come to this painful conclusion, but I’m done. I’m happy you have 2 treasured friends. You are indeed blessed. xoxo, Brenda
Sending you love and a big hug! Maybe those people were not true friends? I don’t know all the details but true friends have your back and stand by you through thick and thin. Beware of fair weather friends!
Well , Grey, you have one budding relationship up here in the Canadian Pacific Northwest! You may have read an earlier comment here that I am looking forward to meeting someone in the Netherlands for the first time.
You’re not that far away… still on this continent … you never know what our future brings ! Hugs…and enjoy your Thanksgiving weekend!
❤️❤️❤️, Brenda
I’m sorry for you, Gray. That’s a double whammy loss. People don’t know what to say when someone dies or is diagnosed with something serious. If only they understood that being there is more important than anything they could say. xoxox, Brenda ❤️
Loved this post, Brenda! I feel blessed by friendships of various depths and lengths. There are two women who are always dear and so easy to ‘pick right up where we left off’ even though we might not communicate for months. An older woman told me years ago that her friends are like a garden- varied ages, beauty and lengths of endurance but all a blessing to her life. She was a blessing to mine and taught me to be open to friendships with each opportunity.
Lmo, Those are the best friendships. The ones where no time at all has passed since the last time you saw one another. I used to have friends of varying ages and ethnicities, but time has passed. People have died or moved. I miss them all. You have the right idea: Be open to friendships with each opportunity. Love that, Brenda
It is counter intuitive but having moved to a retirement community two years ago at age 75, I am making wonderful new friends, more than I ever have previously. I feel more authentically myself in these newer friendships and these are some fascinating people: artists, writers, and scientists with a wealth of international and life experiences. They bring soup and flowers when I am under the weather and show up in every way. Yes, a few of them would help move the body!
Penelope, I love knowing this about your retirement community. My only exposure to something other than a multi age “neighborhood” if you will was my mother’s dementia facility which is hardly the same thing. What interests me most is that you feel more authentically yourself around your new friends. You no longer are attached to who your previous circle thought you were or the role you thought you should be playing. Fascinating! I’d love to hear more about this. We should all be so fortunate. xoxox, Brenda
Sending best wishes and love to all who are struggling with the loss of a friend or friends and to those who are lonely and in need of a friend. I have been through so many losses and it’s hard not to give up but we have to hang in there and be there to see each other through even if’s only through this wonderful blog! Thanks Brenda to give us this opportunity. Long live friendships!
I never commented so much on a topic. It’s one that is close to my heart
Here’s a warm gentle hug❤️to you, Yvonne. Reading your kind and supportive comments through this topic to other women as they
have commented, makes me think you are a very warm and wise woman.
You know how to uplift a person. Have a great Sunday , and a wonderful Thanksgiving week ahead. We ,here in Canada, celebrated several weeks ago. I look forward to reading your comments further on Brenda’s blog…what a great forum she has given us to share! C
This makes me happy. All of you reaching out to one another. You’re taking the first steps to making new friends with each another. Perhaps you can meet here every week!! I’d like to think so. xoxox, Brenda
Cath, thank you so much for your kind comment and wishes. Sending you much love and a hug! Take care and all the best!
I’m happy this post struck a chord with you Yvonne. I, too, have had many losses but we can never give up because we don’t know what waits around the corner for us and to a great degree, we have to go out and find it and make it happen. My greatest desire is to inspire you and give you other ways to think about things and who knows? This may be a platform to make new friends. You’ve certainly offered encouragement to many today so thank you. xoxox, Brenda
Thank you so much Brenda for giving us an opportunity to share and encourage each other. Thank you for your kind comments to me and to other commenters. I love that you take the time to read and respond to every comment. The highlight of my day! All the best to you!! xoxox My first language is French!
Before my divorce over 20 years ago, my former alcoholic husband and I enjoyed the friendship of another couple for years. Then the divorce and !!!! Never saw her again; her husband appears to have felt the same way. I always wondered if she was concerned I would “take her husband” from her. Once that divorce happened, I was dropped “like the proverbial hot potato.” Never a call/note anything to express concern about how I was doing. People are amazing. I can’t even bring myself to call her and I never see her in the neighborhood.
Margiemi, We never know what really motivates people and makes them tick. Could be fear and/or jealousy. I’ve been widowed twice so I know what you mean about the change in the couples dynamics. Either way, it’s sad and whether we’ve been through the death or divorce of a spouse, often we windup losing more than one important person in our life which can make it difficult to start over. People can be so selfish. If only they could get out of themselves and role reverse with the other person but that’s a leap many people can’t make. I’m sorry this happened to you. xoxox, Brenda
YES!
This hit home with me.You remind me of myself as I will often start a random conversation.It does get harder as we age.
XXX
It’s interesting to think about how to continue those conversations if we think we’d like to continue talking to them. xoxo, Brenda
Oh, this is timely. Unfortunately, I recently parted ways with a long-time friend … just came to the realization that she was not the person I thought she was and could no longer overlook her views on certain things. This was not done lightly or easily. There is a definite void. I wonder if this has happened to others? Just so difficult.
Beth, I’ve been on the verge of doing the same thing for over a year now but each time, something stops me. The older we get, it’s not easy to let someone you’ve known for a longtime go out of your life. xoxo, Brenda
Beth, you’re not alone. Yes, it happens to other people and it’s unfortunate but people do change and so do we. If it becomes toxic, it’s best to let the friendship go. It’s certainly hard because there might have been part of that friendship that you enjoyed and it leave a void for sure. Take time to heal and be kind to yourself. Sending you a big hug!