I’m beginning to think I missed something big on the news. Something catastrophic in nature—like perhaps the planets have fallen out of alignment, or the gravitational pull of the moon has increased to the point it makes men and machines malfunction and go wacko. Like my computer, that was hacked by an unknown Russian entity, or so said the signature on the invasive documents most of the people on my email list received. The hack was beyond the Geek Squad and the geniuses at the Apple Store’s standard “change your password” advice. They were stumped. Thank goodness my brilliant techy friend stopped by a week later, or I’d still be unable to communicate digitally. And I think I’m pretty tech savvy. 

Then there’s my brand new LG dryer that would only work for 10 minutes and then shut off, and the roofer who said he wanted to kiss me and wouldn’t shut up. Yes, from where I sit, man and machines have gone mad.

It’s alarming when the customer service people at LG’s 1-800 number put you on hold while they ask their supervisor for help. Then that person puts you on hold while they ask their supervisor, but the real rub is when none of them have an answer. So, for the last six weeks, I’ve been washing my clothes in my new LG washer, then putting them in a cardboard box and taking them to the laundromat to dry them. (No. I don’t own a plastic laundry basket. A girlfriend already asked me that.)

Something about me doesn’t fit in at my nearest laundromat—the roofer said I didn’t “look like a laundromat kind of girl”—because every week, someone there meets me at the door and asks if they can help me. The first week I answered “yes” because who knew real money only works to purchase extra time on your existing laundromat credit card? Laundromat credit card? What happened to quarters and dollar bill changers? And in order to get a laundromat credit card, you have to pay for it with another credit card, in a different machine, on the other side of the building, and it only takes MasterCard.

Now, about the roofer… First, I need to back up to the third LG supervisor, twice removed who, on another call, said my dryer vent could be clogged. Sure enough, the dryer vent cleaner—he’s been here a few times over the years—removed a pile of dog hair and lint, but since he described himself as “too fat” to climb up in my attic to check the rest of the pipes, he called a roofer he knew.

It’s been a longtime since anyone came on to me. It’s not that I missed the signs. I just hoped if I ignored them, they’d go away. 

But the roofer was like a dog in heat… He hugged me before he left… Hugged me! Then, 10 minutes later, he called and said he’d never done this before, but he had this overwhelming desire to kiss me. I’m guessing this approach has worked before… The lady of the house was home alone, and perhaps she invited him back? Who knows, but my alarm bells were telling me to tread lightly—this guy could have some screws loose—so I told him that while I was flattered, I was sorry if I’d done anything to make him misread the situation. 

“No, you didn’t,” he said. “But I’m hoping you’ll tell me to turn around and come back.”

Seriously?

So back to my original question: Have the planets fallen out of alignment? Am I missing something?