Last week, the husband of one of my girlfriends died unexpectedly. I’ve been widowed twice, and I know from experience this comes as a brutal shock. Even when we think we’re doing fine, there will come a time when you hit a brick wall, and the reality of it all descends upon you like a freight train.

The death—expected or unexpected—of a spouse or a partner can also bring out warring relatives who swoop down on you like hungry locusts. Or they can vanish like the selfish cowards they are and leave you to cope with everything by yourself.

I also know the last thing you need during this devastating time is to discover you know little to nothing about your finances. Regardless of where you find yourself, there are a lot of things you can prepare for in advance.

But you need to do them now. While your spouse is still alive.

It’s been my personal experience that often the surviving spouse doesn’t understand the most basic things they need to know to move forward with their life. I was in this position after my first husband died, and it was a nightmare scenario I don’t want anyone else to experience.

For instance:

• Do you and your spouse/partner have an updated Will, medical directive and power of attorney?
• Check to make sure your assets are protected in a Living Trust so the IRS doesn’t nail you for taxes you otherwise might not have to pay.
• Do you know how to access your spouse’s personal computer and work computer, and do you know the passwords?
• Do you know all of the investment and bank accounts you share with your spouse, and is your name on all of them?
• Do you know the online access and passwords of all of these accounts?
• Do you have any offshore accounts? This could be problematic because some spouses set up offshore accounts they don’t want the other spouse to know about.
• Are you on the signature card at the bank(s) and any safe deposit boxes in their name, or both of your names?
• Are you the beneficiary on any life insurance policies, and is there a death benefit on your mortgage?
• If your partner or spouse pays the bills, do you know how to access the cable company’s website, your credit card companies, property tax accounts, etc., and do you have the passwords to each one?
• Do you have the phone number and email of your investment adviser, attorney, accountant, banker, insurance agent, your spouse’s employer, etc.?
• Do you know the combination to open the safe in your home?
• Are all of your legal documents like the Will/medical directive/power of attorney, marriage certificates, birth certificates, insurance policies, deeds and titles to property, stock certificates, loan documents, Veteran discharge papers, VA Claim number, auto titles, and registrations, and past tax forms where you can easily access them? Ideally, they should all be in the same place because after your spouse dies, you don’t want to find yourself doing an unplanned scavenger hunt. I learned this the hard way after my first husband died.

If your spouse or partner dies you’ll need to:

• Get at least five or six certified copies of the Death Certificate from the funeral director. 
• Get at least 20 copies of the Letters Testamentary which gives you, if you’re the executor of the estate, the official authority to settle all estate and financial matters. Letters Testamentary are obtained from the probate court in the county where your spouse/partner lived. Check with your attorney for help.
• Notify one of the three major credit reporting bureaus, like Equifax, Experian, or TransUnion of their death.
• Report their death to Social Security and apply for the lump sum death benefit and possible increase in Social Security to you.
• If they were a Veteran, call the VA about any benefits.
• Contact your local election office and notify them of your spouse’s death.
• Beware of fraudsters who may call, email or text you with offers of “making this time easier for you.” Only deal with your attorney, accountant, your spouse’s employer, insurance agent, etc. If you don’t already know them, don’t get involved with them. 

Scammers know grieving spouses are easy targets.

• Contact their health insurance carrier and talk to them about staying on their policy if you don’t have one of your own.
• Cancel credit cards in their name and notify the company of their death.
• Talk to your accountant about preparing a tax return.
• Contact the DMV for the Title and Registration change forms of any vehicles in your spouse’s name individually.
• Contact your car, homeowner, medical, and life insurance carriers.

And most importantly… Carve this next one in stone, where you can see it at all times.

DON’T MAKE ANY MAJOR LIFE-CHANGING DECISIONS FOR THE FIRST YEAR!

Grief and loss do terrible things to our critical thinking skills, so you may not be making the best decisions for at least a year after their death. Often, the surviving spouse decides to sell their home, move from a familiar place, and start a new life, and they come to regret these decisions. Or, many surviving spouses are lonely, and they latch onto the first person who shows an interest in them. I made that mistake, and it was one of the most horrendous things I’ve ever done . . . Two of my friends have done this as well . . . What were we thinking?

Answer: We weren’t thinking!

If your spouse took care of everything for both of you, I urge you to find your voice because your voice is the most powerful tool you have. Speak up for yourself and think carefully about your next steps and where you see your life going.

You still have a great, big, beautiful life ahead of you. What will you do to make it blossom?

And finally, when you’re down and your emotions get the best of you, turn to family, friends, and God. Know with every fiber of your being that you will get through this painful time and emerge on the other side stronger than you were before. You can do this! You will do this!