Last week, the husband of one of my girlfriends died unexpectedly. I’ve been widowed twice, and I know from experience this comes as a brutal shock. Even when we think we’re doing fine, there will come a time when you hit a brick wall, and the reality of it all descends upon you like a freight train.
The death—expected or unexpected—of a spouse or a partner can also bring out warring relatives who swoop down on you like hungry locusts. Or they can vanish like the selfish cowards they are and leave you to cope with everything by yourself.
I also know the last thing you need during this devastating time is to discover you know little to nothing about your finances. Regardless of where you find yourself, there are a lot of things you can prepare for in advance.
But you need to do them now. While your spouse is still alive.
It’s been my personal experience that often the surviving spouse doesn’t understand the most basic things they need to know to move forward with their life. I was in this position after my first husband died, and it was a nightmare scenario I don’t want anyone else to experience.
For instance:
- Do you and your spouse/partner have an updated Will, medical directive and power of attorney?
- Check to make sure your assets are protected in a Living Trust so the IRS doesn’t nail you for taxes you otherwise might not have to pay.
- Do you know how to access your spouse’s personal computer and work computer, and do you know the passwords?
- Do you know all of the investment and bank accounts you share with your spouse, and is your name on all of them?
- Do you know the online access and passwords of all of these accounts?
- Do you have any offshore accounts? This could be problematic because some spouses set up offshore accounts they don’t want the other spouse to know about.
- Are you on the signature card at the bank(s) and any safe deposit boxes in their name, or both of your names?
- Are you the beneficiary on any life insurance policies, and is there a death benefit on your mortgage?
- If your partner or spouse pays the bills, do you know how to access the cable company’s website, your credit card companies, property tax accounts, etc., and do you have the passwords to each one?
- Do you have the phone number and email of your investment adviser, attorney, accountant, banker, insurance agent, your spouse’s employer, etc.?
- Do you know the combination to open the safe in your home?
- Are all of your legal documents like the Will/medical directive/power of attorney, marriage certificates, birth certificates, insurance policies, deeds and titles to property, stock certificates, loan documents, Veteran discharge papers, VA Claim number, auto titles, and registrations, and past tax forms where you can easily access them? Ideally, they should all be in the same place because after your spouse dies, you don’t want to find yourself doing an unplanned scavenger hunt. I learned this the hard way after my first husband died.
If your spouse or partner dies you’ll need to:
- Get at least five or six certified copies of the Death Certificate from the funeral director.
- Get at least 20 copies of the Letters Testamentary which gives you, if you’re the executor of the estate, the official authority to settle all estate and financial matters. Letters Testamentary are obtained from the probate court in the county where your spouse/partner lived. Check with your attorney for help.
- Notify one of the three major credit reporting bureaus, like Equifax, Experian, or TransUnion of their death.
- Report their death to Social Security and apply for the lump sum death benefit and possible increase in Social Security to you.
- If they were a Veteran, call the VA about any benefits.
- Contact your local election office and notify them of your spouse’s death.
- Beware of fraudsters who may call, email or text you with offers of “making this time easier for you.” Only deal with your attorney, accountant, your spouse’s employer, insurance agent, etc. If you don’t already know them, don’t get involved with them.
Scammers know grieving spouses are easy targets.
- Contact their health insurance carrier and talk to them about staying on their policy if you don’t have one of your own.
- Cancel credit cards in their name and notify the company of their death.
- Talk to your accountant about preparing a tax return.
- Contact the DMV for the Title and Registration change forms of any vehicles in your spouse’s name individually.
- Contact your car, homeowner, medical, and life insurance carriers.
And most importantly… Carve this next one in stone, where you can see it at all times.
DON’T MAKE ANY MAJOR LIFE-CHANGING DECISIONS FOR THE FIRST YEAR!
Grief and loss do terrible things to our critical thinking skills, so you may not be making the best decisions for at least a year after their death. Often, the surviving spouse decides to sell their home, move from a familiar place, and start a new life, and they come to regret these decisions. Or, many surviving spouses are lonely, and they latch onto the first person who shows an interest in them. I made that mistake, and it was one of the most horrendous things I’ve ever done . . . Two of my friends have done this as well . . . What were we thinking?
Answer: We weren’t thinking!
If your spouse took care of everything for both of you, I urge you to find your voice because your voice is the most powerful tool you have. Speak up for yourself and think carefully about your next steps and where you see your life going.
You still have a great, big, beautiful life ahead of you. What will you do to make it blossom?
And finally, when you’re down and your emotions get the best of you, turn to family, friends, and God. Know with every fiber of your being that you will get through this painful time and emerge on the other side stronger than you were before. You can do this! You will do this!
36 thoughts on “IF YOUR SPOUSE OR PARTNER DIES”
Great review. Despite best planning efforts, there is always something forgotten. Thanks for the reminders.
Thanks, Barbara. Actually I could have listed another 10 things, but these should get everyone started. xoxox, Brenda
Thank you for these important reminders. I am in my 50s and am trying to get on top of these things now for my peace of mind. I will use this post as my to-do list!
We can never start too early to be aware of things that are in our best interest when the worst of times strikes us. I’m glad my list is helpful. xoxox, Brenda
Thank you so much for this comprehensive overview. I am familiar with many of the items but your input has spurred me to up my game….really looking forward to your book release!
You’re a sweetheart, Susan, and we support one another. It’s what we do, so thanks for your interest in my memoir. xoxox, Brenda
Thought I knew everything I would need upon my partner’s passing, but you have shed new light for me on some important items I’d not known about.
Thank you, Brenda, for this gift ‼️
….printing out all you’ve written here right this minute!
I’m so glad this has been helpful, Sandra!!! Thanks for letting me know. xoxox, Brenda
As always, you have our back about everything Brenda! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And all of you have mine, so thank you!!! Thank you! xoxox, Brenda
Brenda, When my husband died I wandered around in a daze. I couldn’t concentrate, much less find all these things on your list, and I was depressed and didn’t want to find them because they were further proof he was no longer here. Oh how I wish I’d done these things and put them all in the same place before he died. How thoughtful of you to think of this and help make things easier for us. Xo, Barb
Barb, I know how you felt. Every reminder they’re gone sucks the wind out of you and knocks you off your feet. For a long time. When my first husband died, I was only 37, and no one talked about needing these things. They didn’t even discuss the importance of having a Will, a Living Trust, or a medical power of attorney. As Oprah says, “When we know better, we do better,” and part of that is sharing what I know in hopes it will help some of you. xoxox, Brenda
Thank you Brenda, a very helpful checklist. Keeping with important papers for both spouses to review. I always enjoy your blog.
Thank you, Cathy. I appreciate you and am grateful you left me a note. xoxo, Brenda
My husband and I had a conversation about some of these things last year and it didn’t go well. I asked for his computer password and he wouldn’t give it to me. Since then I’ve been wondering if he’s hiding something from me? I wish I hadn’t asked.
I think we all have fears like that running through our minds at one point or another. That we’ll find something we didn’t want to know that will shatter our image of them and us together. Only you know what next step you should take. This may be difficult, but for now, what if you don’t obsess over his reluctance? Perhaps you try not to get defensive and put up a wall, but focus instead on you as a couple. Sending you much love, Brenda
Thanks for this comprehensive list, Brenda. I’m going to print this out and go down it item by item. I know some of these things, we’ve talked about them, but I know my head wouldn’t be on straight if my partner died… this will be invaluable!
I was raised NOT to ask these kinds of questions – because, you know – death won’t happen if you don’t talk about it.
XO
I hear you, Donna! Our generation fought against the glass ceiling and for women’s rights, but so often, just as we grabbed the reigns, we were kicked off the ladder. It was the nature of the beast: It was a man’s world. And in many ways, we were more like our mothers than we wanted to acknowledge. But we know better now, and we’re acting in our own best interest. “Stuff” happens whether we talk about it or not, so let’s be prepared. Love to you, my darling. Brenda
This is so valuable! No one tells you these things and it’s extremely important decisions while you are completely shell shocked and numb. Our son pasted away at 19 and it was awful. The people you thought were your friends, disappear. People appear out of no where wanting to help just hear the inside story or take advantage of your weakness. We had people actually ask if we now wanted to sell our ranch since we probably wouldn’t want to there anymore! Unbelievable! And you are in no mental state to make decisions, but the world just keeps going. So yes, after his death I made it my mission to be prepared. I would even go ahead and have your burial decisions made. I was so unprepared on how to bury my son. So have these discussions! I started simplifying our life dramatically. Last, DO NOT make any life changing decisions that first year. Actually, we didn’t change anything for 5 years because we were such a mess. And remember, loss is so devastating, grief is messy, but once you come out on the other side there is still life and it can still be fulfilling. Thank you Brenda for discussing this topic.
And thank you, Anissa for sharing your story. The death of a child… I can’t imagine. Unfortunately, you know what I’m talking about. People stop calling or coming by because they feel inadequate and don’t know what to say or how to help you. They also feel like Donna O’Clock’s statement that if you don’t discuss it or get too close, it won’t happen to you. After my second husband died, many people wanted to buy our ranch. But I said no. I loved it there, and I didn’t want to leave. I saw him everywhere, and it was comforting, plus I’d already learned the “wait a year to make decisions” after my first husband died. Like you, I’ve also simplified my life. Papers thrown away. Closets and boxes cleaned out, things given to Goodwill or sold. If I die tomorrow, I’ve organized everything for those I love who are left behind. It’s a great feeling, isn’t it? It’s like a cleansing. It’s part of moving forward with you life. Blessings, Brenda
Hi Brenda,
What a wonderful picture of you and your deceased husband. You are both so good looking. If you don’t mind me asking you, how long has it been since he passed away. You have been through so much shocking type of heart breaking life experiences. The loss of a spouse is huge. You seem so strong and do well operating independently.
I’m sorry for the loss of your friends husband, how sad.
Thank you for this wonderful endless list of things you must do and look after. It’s HUGE. You are kind and thoughtful to share all this. I know it took a great deal of thought. In appreciation.
Katherine, It will be 14 years this Christmas since he died, and yes, I’ve always done well on my own. Since I was a small child. Without knowing it, you’ve zeroed in on the major theme of my memoir. For now, that’s all I will say. Thank you for your sweet comment, Brenda
My spouse did not leave through death, but by a divorce. It has been a very difficult journey…there was some grieving due to him changing so much from the generous, funny , and quirky person I once loved. I grieved that loss during the few quiet reflective times I had since the beginning of this year. A lawyer counselled me to find as much information as possible about our various state of affairs , which was so helpful. I wish she represented me through the separation , but her practice was not that kind. I did find our booklet of passwords, and checked as much as possible on the computer when I had the house to myself. I had previously asked for and was given the banking password ( to his accounts) in the event of his sudden incapacitation, or death. What I realized was money he was hiding , and it was useful for me to be aware of that once we got into the thick of negotiations. I went through our filing cabinet to find other pertinent information. Because I was so unhappy and unfulfilled during these eight years of “his retirement “ I find I do not miss the man. I am finding my way living solo at 74, and although challenging at times, with certainly less to live on, there’s a lightness to me now. I grieve the loss of our marriage, when it was good, which became more and more rare as time went on. He is better off returning to being the bachelor I married in 2001, and I am able to make plans for my solo senior future. I know it’s not the subject , Brenda, but there are certainly parallels to your suggestions for being responsible regarding information.
Cath, I have been in a very similar situation and almost didn’t survive it. It was horrible. All the secrets and lies. I was heartbroken. I wish you the best Cath, and you are better alone than with someone who was no longer invested in the relationship. Thank you for sharing and take care!
Yvonne, thank you so much for your caring. Yes, I was near the edge at one point, saying to my lawyer…”what is the point?” …she did a poor job representing my interests and I felt on the defence the whole time. Court was an option, but I explicitly refused to spend more time and especially money…which neither of us had. I do believe , as he chooses the hand painted mug I made as a birthday gift years ago for his morning coffee, he may reflect on his losses. There are many, but he’s back across the Rockies and I am by the sea, where I can breathe! Take care of yourself too, Yvonne. We have given ourselves the gift of a happier future.
Cath, You and Yvonne are lifting one another up, and it makes my heart full. xoxox, Brenda
Yvonne, xoxox, Brenda
Oh, Cath! What a stressful time this has been for you! I, too, know what it’s like for your spouse (my first husband) to turn into someone you don’t know. When he died (in your case, you divorced), I didn’t miss him because I had already grieved for the man he’d once been. I applaud you for watching out for yourself and being a detective. You could write pages about that, I’m sure, and yes… There are a great many parallels, not just on the topic of this blog post, but in our lives as well. You’ll see them if you read my memoir. Thank you for sharing your story brave lady! xoxox, Brenda
Dear Brenda,
This was very helpful as my husband nears death. The only correction I would make is if yo have a trust there is no need of Letters since it simplifies the process.
Can’t wait for your book
I’m sorry to hear your husband is at this stage, Shannon. You’ve stopped being a couple, and your caregiver role is shifting into the next stage as well. I’ve been there. My first husband and I had a trust, but there were still numerous occasions when I needed to present the Letters and sometimes his Will to verify I was the executor. I also needed a few Letters after my second husband died as well, but not as many. I grieve for you both and what you’re going through. Sending you much love, Brenda
Brenda
Thank you for this great informative post. My husband and I have what we call the fire drill time to time to update much of what you have written. We are about to do it again and will go over your suggested list as it may raise new questions. I also sent copies of this posting to my daughter and daughter in law. A subject many do not want to deal with and procrastinate about and is so important to know.
Gigi
You and your husband are so smart to plan for the worst case, Gigi! So smart! And you’re wise to make sure everything is updated. Procrastination! We do that with things that are hard, or we don’t want to think about, but those are the things we need to follow through on the most. Thanks for mirroring this to your daughter and daughter-in-law. They’re blessed to have you. xoxox, Brenda
Brenda, thank you so much for this invaluable post. Since my husband passed away, it has been hellish. Your second paragraph describes perfectly what happened to me. I also didn’t understand the most basic things that I needed to move forward. As you mentioned it was a nightmare and still is. The whole thing has traumatized me. In the past I also got involved in a relationship with a narcissist who left me with nothing. When you think that you know someone very well, you really don’t. Brenda, I need your prayers. Thanks a million for all you do! You approach difficult topics with candor. The photo is beautiful of you and your husband is beautiful! xox
Yvonne, You’ve been through hell, more than once, but you’re moving forward through this nightmare. You’ve done it before, and you’ll do it this time as well. That’s what women do. We’re strong, and smart, and resilient. Is it easy? No way! This may be the hardest thing you’ve done, but know in your heart that you will emerge on the other side. In the sunshine! With your feet firmly under you, making good decisions and reaching for life again. Take your time to grieve. “The year” is so important. Thank you for asking for my prayers. You have them, starting the moment I finish this note to you. That you’ve asked for prayers tells me you know God. You know He is there. Always. Talk to Him. Trust Him. While He can’t fast-forward you through this agonizing time, He loves you and will help you in other ways. Please keep me posted on how you’re doing. Here’s my email. brenda@1010parkplace.com Love, Brenda
Hi there Brenda
Thank you so much for giving us the check list. Always important to reinforce paper work that is often needed.
We got a check list last year from the Cancer Agency and when I attended a talk at the credit union this past year they also gave out a check list. One can never have too many!
Review paperwork 1 – 2x a year if possible. I shall be doing that shortly.
I say have 2 – 3 copies of paperwork. Why – well my husband loves to move things around – told him he should have been in the moving business. One copy is the main copy = as a couple. The other copy you can keep exactly where you want it with knowing it won’t be moved.
Banking I always remember many decades ago when a neighbour’s husband died she told my mother she didn’t even know how to write a cheque – her husband did everything.
We’re all eagerly awaiting your book!
You and your husband are ahead of the game, Rosemarie. Smart. So smart. I have a girlfriend who’s my age and I hate to think what will happen if her husband dies before she does. Hopefully her grown children will step in, but I can’t imagine not even knowing how to write a check. How powerless and dependent she must feel. My book… it’s closer than you think! xoxox, Brenda