Beauty Madness

Someday in the not too distant future, women are going to laugh at us for using toothpaste to dry up our zits, but no need to apologize. Since the beginning of time, women have done crazy things in their search for innovative beauty treatments.

Did you know Cleopatra used crocodile dung and donkey’s milk in her facials? I wonder if her handmaidens fanned her to deflect the smell, or perhaps she drank seagull wine until she passed out? In case you don’t know how to make seagull wine: Stuff a dead seagull into a bottle of water. Leave in the sun to ferment. Drink. While it’s not a beauty treatment, I don’t think you’ll give a hoot what you look like!

HERE ARE SOME OF THIS YEAR’S BEAUTY MADNESS I’VE UNCOVERED. PLEASE… I’M JUST THE MESSENGER!

It seems as though women are injecting Botox into their scalps to keep from getting wet hair during workouts. And here I thought sweating was our body’s way of purging itself of toxins. Instead women are injecting themselves, with one of the most deadly toxins known to man, to prevent them from ridding themselves of toxins. What kind of beauty madness is this? It’s bad enough women are having Botox injected under their arms and in their feet to keep those areas from sweating and/or hurting, but their scalp? If I didn’t know better, I’d say the Botox has seeped into their brains and disabled their critical thinking skills.

Have you heard about the nightingale poop craze in Japan, where women have resurrected a centuries-old Geisha technique to cleanse their skin? All of you entrepreneurs in search of a business… I wouldn’t know nightingale poop from pigeon poop. I’m just saying, there may be an opportunity here. Women in New York City are allegedly paying $180 a poop… I mean a pop, for poop facials. Cray-zeee… Those who’re regular readers of my blog know I’m passing through another one of my Mick Jagger phases. Cray-zeee, as in “People think I’m cray-zeee,” lyrics from “Miss You.” I mean… Like… Totally cool…

Then there’s Face Slapping. A San Francisco woman—my guess is she’s a dominatrix by night—slaps the age right off of her customer’s face. Each $350 treatment lasts 15 to 20 minutes and supposedly leaves your skin firmer for six months. One of her selling points is that it’s “100 percent chemical free.” This beauty madness is beyond cray-zeee. It’s flat flippin’ c-r-a-z-y!

When referring to beauty madness, we must include Kim Kardashian. While no one knows for sure what procedure’s she had done to her face, it seems as though she’s tried the “Vampire Facelift.” Dermatologists extract your own blood and inject it back into your face. Then there’s KK’s extreme version of contouring makeup. Careful ladies. It’s more difficult than it looks.

This may be my favorite beauty madness treatment of all: A salon in London claims to have a sure fire fix for limp hair: Bull semen! The salon owner says hair winds up soft, but not “lank.” Wa-ha-ha!!!