Someday in the not too distant future, women are going to laugh at us for using toothpaste to dry up our zits, but no need to apologize. Since the beginning of time, women have done crazy things in their search for innovative beauty treatments.
Did you know Cleopatra used crocodile dung and donkey’s milk in her facials? I wonder if her handmaidens fanned her to deflect the smell, or perhaps she drank seagull wine until she passed out? In case you don’t know how to make seagull wine: Stuff a dead seagull into a bottle of water. Leave in the sun to ferment. Drink. While it’s not a beauty treatment, I don’t think you’ll give a hoot what you look like!
HERE ARE SOME OF THIS YEAR’S BEAUTY MADNESS I’VE UNCOVERED. PLEASE… I’M JUST THE MESSENGER!
It seems as though women are injecting Botox into their scalps to keep from getting wet hair during workouts. And here I thought sweating was our body’s way of purging itself of toxins. Instead women are injecting themselves, with one of the most deadly toxins known to man, to prevent them from ridding themselves of toxins. What kind of beauty madness is this? It’s bad enough women are having Botox injected under their arms and in their feet to keep those areas from sweating and/or hurting, but their scalp? If I didn’t know better, I’d say the Botox has seeped into their brains and disabled their critical thinking skills.
Have you heard about the nightingale poop craze in Japan, where women have resurrected a centuries-old Geisha technique to cleanse their skin? All of you entrepreneurs in search of a business… I wouldn’t know nightingale poop from pigeon poop. I’m just saying, there may be an opportunity here. Women in New York City are allegedly paying $180 a poop… I mean a pop, for poop facials. Cray-zeee… Those who’re regular readers of my blog know I’m passing through another one of my Mick Jagger phases. Cray-zeee, as in “People think I’m cray-zeee,” lyrics from “Miss You.” I mean… Like… Totally cool…
Then there’s Face Slapping. A San Francisco woman—my guess is she’s a dominatrix by night—slaps the age right off of her customer’s face. Each $350 treatment lasts 15 to 20 minutes and supposedly leaves your skin firmer for six months. One of her selling points is that it’s “100 percent chemical free.” This beauty madness is beyond cray-zeee. It’s flat flippin’ c-r-a-z-y!
When referring to beauty madness, we must include Kim Kardashian. While no one knows for sure what procedure’s she had done to her face, it seems as though she’s tried the “Vampire Facelift.” Dermatologists extract your own blood and inject it back into your face. Then there’s KK’s extreme version of contouring makeup. Careful ladies. It’s more difficult than it looks.
This may be my favorite beauty madness treatment of all: A salon in London claims to have a sure fire fix for limp hair: Bull semen! The salon owner says hair winds up soft, but not “lank.” Wa-ha-ha!!!
27 Comments
I love the face slapping one! You’re face should be slapped, if your spending $350 to get your face slapped.
LOL! I can’t top that retort! Good one!
XOXOX,
Brenda
Nightingale poop. Face slapping. Well, toothpaste works–just sayin’. It does!
I used toothpaste on my chin last week to stop an outbreak! Ever wonder who the first person who dreams up these remedies are?
XOXO,
Brenda
OMG Brenda!! This is sad, scary and hilarious at the same time. And here I thought I was radical using a Derma Roller! I just love how you write!! Have a great weekend!
xoxo
Even if I won a gift certificate for any of these procedures, I wouldn’t use it… At the very least, I wouldn’t tell anyone I had.
XOXOX,
Brenda
Thanks for the laughs! I kind of wish I could come up with something as whacked as the face slapping and make a few bucks. lol!
Barbara,
Sometimes I think we have a tendency to overthink things. Perhaps we just need to the most random thing off the wall and go with it.
XOXOX,
Brenda
Funny but sorta true!! jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
So very true! I just stopped by your blog. Your mother-in-law is wonderful.
Lordy lordy the silliness! Thanks for the head-shaking moment of the day!
Proof that fact is stranger than fiction!
Brenda
And I thought the ‘fish pedie’ was a horrifying idea!!!
In addition to nightingale poop and fish pedis, I hope the asians are doing something with cherry blossoms. I might be able to do that. Thanks for stopping by!
Brenda
That’s just crazy! I was laughing all the way through this one. The face slapping one was the wildest I think! Hell, if that was the case I’d look like a 9 year old from all the times I got in trouble as a kid!
LOL! LOL! That’s hilarious!… Only problem is, the after affects only last six months! You’re 9-year-old self must have looked like a first -grader!
XOXO,
Brenda
Good thing I had already eaten before I read this one….Are these women NUTS?!? And I thought females were the more intelligent sex. I guess anything goes in search of the fountain of youth. Not for me! I’ll stick with my Retin-A and SkinCeuticals, thank you.
So good to know you’re still the sensible woman I know you to be! … Yes, they are NUTS!
XOXOXO,
Brenda
Brenda, this list is so comical! The things women do. When are we going to learn to be happy with what we’ve got??
Kimberly
http://FiftyJewels.com
Don’t think that’s in our DNA girlfriend!
XOXOX,
Brenda
Brenda I always wonder when these silly things come to light- who was sitting looking in the mirror and thought” hmmm, I think I’ll smear donkey poo on my face” giggle. Great post, I hope you will be sharing at the Thursday Favorite Things blog hop xo
Katherine,
It may also be what “altered state of mind” were they in when they dreamed up that dubious idea.
XO, Brenda
Oh my, I will know I have gone too far in my search for youth when I start putting bull semen I my hair…yikes! I just popped over from the MBA FB group!
Shellie
http://www.thefabjourney.com
Shellie,
I fear if we’ve gone that far, we won’t know the way back!
Thanks for stopping by,
Brenda
So funny – what women will do to give themselves a boost. Especially the face-slapping. I wonder if the same thing applies to an abused woman? Does she end up looking younger for six months? If so, we could all undergo this treatment–and it wouldn’t entail any monetary investment. Not sure about emotional though. No, it wouldnt’ be worth it.
Francene,
The real story here would be to interview these people. What were they thinking?
Love seeing you here!
Brenda
babies got swag